Pain

Knife
noun
  1. physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.
    “she’s in great pain
    synonyms: suffering, agony, torture, torment, discomfort
  2. careful effort; great care or trouble.
    “she took pains to see that everyone ate well”
    synonyms: care, effort, bother, trouble
verb
  1. cause mental or physical pain to.
    “it pains me to say this”
    synonyms: hurt, cause pain, be painful, be sore, be tender, ache, throb, sting, twinge, cause discomfort

    Pain is a tricky thing. People can’t see it so they don’t always believe you when you say: “I’m in so much pain.” It’s relative and not quantifiable. I had to go to a hospital in Oklahoma a few years back and they asked me “on a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain level.” I said my pain level was about a 9 and a half. Another person in the waiting room said there’s was a 10. Who got the doctor’s attention first? I did. Why? Maybe it was because the side of my face was swollen to the size of a grapefruit and the girl showed no outward signs of being in pain at all. I don’t know.

I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, so it’s got me thinking… how much is too much? Muscle pain, joint pain, now nerve pain… what’s next? No… maybe I shouldn’t ask that question. My mother always used to say “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I just wish he didn’t trust me so much (chuckle, chuckle). Of course, I have been thinking about inflicting pain on myself just to distract me from all the other pains. I mean I get why people “cut” themselves. I haven’t done it yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the knife fairly often.

I may not be able to get an appointment to have my scripts renewed before I run out. What would happen if I went off them for a week or two? I’ve thought of this often (smile). I don’t like feeling fuzzy all the time… in a fog. I liked it when I was “clear.” Of course, I didn’t like being angry and paranoid all the time, though. And I guess I can say no one else did either! So I’ll have to see what the next few weeks brings me. Stay tuned…

My heart is in my ear, the beating is loud, growing louder.
What does it mean to hear it, feel it pounding next to my brain?
The pain is stronger now, stronger than when it first began.
How do I endure it, day after day, year after year?
The numbness grows as well, marking time in hollow hours.
Will I end up like her, shattered, body broken, alone in an empty mind?
I cannot see tomorrow, the next minute hard enough for me.
Does each day pass or is it all a dream from which we cannot wake?
I fear the end, yet long for it, I wait in warm anticipation.
Will I make it to the end of my days or vanish as if never there?

© Denton ’90

For more of my depressing poetry go to http://www.dgregdenton.com/poetry

May 28, 2014

My pain has grown worse over the last few months. I have decided to “offer up” my suffering as a sacrifice to God on the behalf of others. I know that this will sound strange to some. I encourage the reader to google the term and ponder the meaning of the term… and the act.

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